Beauty That Can Only Come Through Trials

I recently spent a Sunday supervising my parents as they meticulously unpacked flat compressed wood pieces, sorted through countless screws, studied instructions and assembled two pieces of Ikea kitchen furniture in their living room.  They're celebrating 40 years of marriage this February and I can tell you, in that living room I watched 40 years of joy, trials, disagreements, love and communication unfold before my eyes. 

As kids, we know only what we see, what we overhear and what our parents allow us to hear.  I know they suffered a miscarriage before me, they've lost 3 parents between them and too many loved ones to count.  I remember the loss of a business or two, two cancer surgeries, a hip replacement and financial sacrifices.  Sickness and health, richer or poorer, good times and bad, they've lived it, baby. And despite the struggles they've endured together, their love and commitment to each other is rock solid.  These two people can't stand even the thought of being without each other for mundane chores.  Food shopping?  They have to go together.  Hair cuts?  They have to go together.  Try to get Mom to go somewhere without Dad and Dad will lose his mind.  "We're Velcro! Don't try to separate us!" he'll yell.  Dad, I just want to take Mom to Macy's, we're not running away to join the circus. 

During furniture assembly, they knew when to pick their battles and when it was time for a potato and egg break.  They didn't rush the process, rather, took their time to read through the instructions, talked out each step and made adjustments when pieces didn't fit as the instructions stated.  It was rather amazing to watch.  That Sunday morning they weren't my parents, they were "Mike and Jo, AARP members and champion married couple". 

Before my current health issues, the "in sickness and in health" portion of our vows comprised mostly of a limited line of duty injury or two, some colds, a bad gall bladder, and a kidney stone.  And of course, a few bouts with food poisoning.  Is there anything sexier than passing your spouse a trash bag to vomit in while they're frozen on the toilet?  I don't recall that being covered in our pre-marriage counseling class.

For Lou and me, a big "for worse" trial came between 2004 and 2005.  It almost ended us.   Let me give you a little background.  Lou and I married in classic Italian overkill style  in October, 2000.  We lived in a cute one bedroom apartment that I suffocated with silk flowers and curtains.  I was working as a paralegal for a small law firm in Tribeca and Lou was enjoying his employment as a full time cop and occasional Soldier. All I knew about Lou's monthly military service was this: 

1. One weekend a month, 2 weeks a year our apartment was never so clean. 
2. When he came home from a drill weekend he smelled of diesel fuel and mud.
3. His dirty bags would sit in the living room for a week...Some things never change.
4. I didn't consider myself a military spouse, in fact, I didn't even count his military drills as a part time job.  It was 48-72 hours a month.  He was a cop everyday therefore I was a cop's wife.

I remember asking him on our wedding day if the military would ever send him anywhere.  "Nowhere serious" he said.  "Hurricanes and floods.  They never send us out of the country".

Never say never...

The Duggars had 14 kids when my husband left for his first deployment to Iraq in 2004.   Even before he left, our communication was horrendous and my spiritual life was in the toilet.  Lou went over as an infantryman and I knew he was "outside the wire" daily.  My sleep was completely messed up for 18 months, as I'd wait hours for him to pop on-line to "chat" via instant messenger.  I'd receive word from time to time that someone from the Battalion was killed or medevac'd out of Iraq with serious injuries or vehicles were blown up in roadside bombs, but for endless, agonizing hours, no names of those involved could be disclosed.  When I'd go to sleep I'd pray he wouldn't come home in a box and then an hour later I'd curse him for "choosing the military over me".  I was surviving on anxiety, resentment and late night Ron Popiel infomercials. 

The guys in his company asked me to be their lead Family Readiness Group Volunteer.  Could they have picked a more unqualified, military illiterate, clueless leader whose marriage was hanging by a thread?  I asked Lou why anyone would have chosen me.  Apparently someone remembered I brought them all candy, toothbrushes and playing cards while they worked a Tropical Storm one year.  And it's funny.  My thought, as I stood in Duane Reade buying Lou some necessities during the storm, was very basic kindergarten logic.  How could I bring Lou a toothbrush and candy and not everyone else?  Weren't they too called on short notice?  And so our FRG was born. 

I enlisted the help of some wonderful unit family members, a couple who remain "sisters" today.  I freely admitted to several of them that I was ready to throw in the towel on my own marriage.    I didn't understand at the time why God would allow us to endure such a horrible 18 months.  At one point during the deployment I remember just being physically and emotionally at my limit.  I threw my hands angrily at God and said "If YOU want this marriage fixed, then YOU fix it!".  

We have no idea what kind of "outside of the box" and "wow I didn't see that coming" beauty God can pull out of our messes when we let Him.  

Through my experiences as a military spouse and volunteer, I was able to exit a profession I hated to work for a non-profit I enjoyed.  A couple of years later, and for over 5 years now, I've been able to do what I now love - help military Families, Service members and Veterans.  Ultimately, and what I'm more grateful for, is a marriage of two imperfect people, reconciled in the love of God, hopelessly in love with each other who learned how to communicate and appreciate each other.  If we never endured the trial, we never would have enjoyed where we are together, today. 

Married or not, we all suffer through and are challenged by often unexpected situations in life - loss of a job or home, illness, death of a loved one, the spouse who calls it quits.  There's no denying these terrible times in our lives are painful and try to take us down.  We doubt how anything beautiful or good can come out of our misery.  If you're in the thick of something now, hang on and don't give up!  Evaluate your circumstances, turn it over to God and stand determined to see it through with divine direction.  Luke 1:37 - For nothing is impossible with God.  He said "NOTHING"!

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2 Corinthians 4:16-17 - Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.