Getting to Know You

Let's continue our discussion about dating?  Yes, let's!

 

I preface this blog entry by saying (1) I need a personal time out from the seemingly constant cancer talk in my day to day life and (2) I wouldn't ask anyone to do or say something I already haven't, before I married my Sweet Babboo. 

 

Thank you for continuing to indulge me as I write about this topic.

 

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"Just Friends" (2005)
Featuring Ryan Reynolds and the brilliant Julie Hagerty

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It's Just a Date

Getting to know someone on a date can be great fun if you keep it all in perspective.  A date is not an invitation to be exclusive and it's certainly not a marriage proposal.   Be yourself, enjoy the conversation and put the brakes on letting your imaginary future with this person get the best of you.  

My first date with Lou took place a couple of weeks after we were introduced.  We agreed to meet for coffee and ended up sitting at an outdoor table, talking for hours.  For us, it was perfect - casual and laid back. 

Ladies, my sisters, a side note:  Please dress with dignity for your date.  Dress as the mature woman you are.  You are more than your flesh.  No man respects a woman who looks like a cheap tramp. 


Politics and Religion

I'm going to buck the system.  Instead of adhering to the old advice that you don't talk politics and religion with a date, I say you do.    Life is too short to waste your time trying to force a new relationship to work when it's not meant to be.  So much of what makes us who we are is what we believe.  For me personally, no matter how far from God I was when I met Lou, I knew I wanted someone who shared my faith.  I also wanted someone who was not only aware of the world around them, but proactive in being part of the solution.   

Couples won't always see eye to eye on everything, but you'll want to know if you share ideas and beliefs in common.  You'll also want to see how your date handles a difference of opinion - Do they dismiss your ideas without considering your perspective?  Or do they consider your thoughts and rationally share theirs in an effort to come to an understanding?   


Perils of Pinterest and Facebook

Worst relationship advice meme ever

Pinterest is open for all the world to see.  A board of DIY projects and recipes are pretty benign for a potential date to find.  I interpret them to mean "I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty and try something new".  I like that. 

The board you named "My Future Wedding" - the one where you've pinned pictures of tuxedos or dresses, entrees you would like served at your reception and $$$ engagement rings $$$ you've eyed?  To quote Walt, the utility company engineer down at Nakatomi Plaza in the epic flick "Die Hard" (1988) "SHUT IT DOWN.  SHUT IT DOWN NOW".  That's what scrapbooking and private journals are for.

Do you know if your Facebook photos, comments, friends list, etc., are open to the public?  What do your comments, posts and photos say about you if a date were to look you up?  Why not wait a while before "friending" a date or sharing your Facebook page with someone you don't know very well?  Maybe it's time to reconsider your security settings for a bit.

Kids

If you have them, let your date know.  If you fail to mention you have one or more children, your date's going to wonder what else you're hiding.  Please note, it doesn't mean you introduce your child to your date.  Every family situation is different, but the emotional and physical safety of your kid is of vital importance.  Introductions can wait.

Resisting the Urge to Discuss Past Relationships

If you want to talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend at any time during your date(s), excuse yourself, go to the restroom and smack your own hand in between the bathroom stall door.  Whatever you do, keep your yapper closed.  No one wants to hear about your past romantic relationships. 

How We Were Raised

Sure you want to know about your date's ambitions, where they went to school, what they do for work and fun.  And you should discuss those topics.  Although fun to discuss, quality relationships aren't based on what concerts you've been to this year.  It's far more important to understand who this person is and where they come from. 

We were all raised in a dysfunctional family, by imperfect parents or guardians.  No one leaves a home without some baggage.  Some levels of dysfunction, however, may be far beyond our understanding and personal experiences.  What's abnormal behavior to one family is completely normal to another. 

Lou was unaware of our "family dining practices" the first time he came out with us as a family.  As the appetizers arrived, my father asked "Louie, what did you order?"  As my then boyfriend looked down at his plate and began to describe his dish, my father's fork flew in the air, landing on Lou's food.  As Lou looked on, confused and now speechless, Dad's fork scooped a little nibble and returned to Dad's mouth.  Lou was mortified.  What was/is normal behavior for our ravenous family, was nothing Lou was used to.  When Lou was growing up, you kept your fork on your own plate and ate what you ordered.  It's interesting to note, after 14 years with my family, Lou's fork now freely roams on plates alongside Dad's. That first dinner, however was indeed a little tense and awkward.

Identifying family differences between you and your date will help you gain some insight into how your date was raised and how their "normal" lines up with your "normal". 

Side note:  If the relationship progresses, you'll absolutely want to observe how your date interacts with those he or she cares about - What's their body language toward one another?  How do they greet each other?  How do they handle disagreements and what makes them laugh? 

I don't expect you to obtain answers from the first few dates to all of the following questions, but I do want you to put these questions to deep thought.  This is information you need to know if the relationship progresses, in my personal opinion:

• Who raised them and what is their current relationship?
• If they have siblings, what is their relationship like?
• How did the family spend their holidays and downtime? 
• Growing up, did their family usually eat together or did everyone eat on their own?
• What was the relationship like between their parents and grandparents?  Did the in-laws get along?
• Was a parent verbally/physically abusive?
• How were they disciplined if they got into trouble?
• How does their family resolve conflict?  Are they confrontational and resolve issues quickly or are they passive-aggressive and not comfortable being direct? 
• How did his/her family fare financially?  Were they always in debt? 
• Who balanced the household finances? 

Ah, yes.  Finances.  Now you may say "Amy, it's none of my business if the family lived on credit cards".  Here's the truth - Sex and finances are the top two issues married couples fight about.  As far as finances go, if your date is used to living in debt and you're not, that's going to be a big issue at some point in your relationship.  

I'm not talking about people who lose it all to unforeseen circumstances.  Too many people are intent on competing with the material possessions of others and either don't know how to live within their means or refuse to.  Why?  So people think you're somehow better because of your stuff?  Totally meaningless!   

Unless you're independently wealthy and can pay for homes in cash, I understand completely that credit is a necessary evil.  Sometimes we run into emergencies where we blow out a car tire or need a root canal and have no choice but to pay for something over a window of time.  It happens. 

But bad, even fair credit is damaging and takes time to get out of.  Bad credit can "red flag" an employer's background check.  It can interfere with getting approved for an apartment or a good rate, let alone an offer, on a car loan or mortgage.  The topic of finances and credit, maybe not on the first date, is mad important, son.

Important Extras

I briefly dated a guy who was a reformed heavy drinker.  It was obvious he wasn't very comfortable in his own skin without a drink.  I know this because he couldn't stop talking about needing a drink. I'm not a mental health professional and I'm not an alcohol abuse counselor.  While it's my responsibility as a human being to care about other human beings, I recommended he seek professional help for his possible dependency on alcohol and ended the relationship. 
 
Abusive people generally keep a lid on their abusive behavior until they know "they have you".  There is no excuse for physical and/or emotional abuse, Rihanna.  Get out.  Let me let you in on a secret.  He's not sorry and unless said offender undergoes intense therapy, it will happen again. 

 

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I'm not a matchmaker, marriage counselor, lawyer or therapist - just a chick whose lived a bit and wants to see people have successful relationships. 

James 1:5 - If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Dating

I required another blood transfusion a few weeks ago which meant 4 hours minimum of sitting around in a private room.  I have the attention span of a 5 yr old.  An iPad and a few old Readers Digests can only take me so far.  While my chemo nurse was setting up the first bag of New Orleans donated blood, I flipped through the television for something relevant to enjoy.  I stumbled on a marathon of the MTV series Catfish*.  The show documents the initial face-to-face meeting of two people who have been "dating" on-line for a significant period of time.  Although I heard of the show, this was my first time actually watching it.  I wasn't immediately sure what to make of it but for the next few hours, I tuned in. 

Here's the trailer:

What do we generally learn through the course of each show?  The folks you meet on-line may not be exactly who they say they are.  Is it that different from dating "in person"?  Well, yes and no but at the very least "in person" you'd know right away if the dame you're talking to really is a dame.

What surprised me most about the folks featured on this show is how relatable they are.  Hear me out.  At some point, we've all been naïve, we've all been desperate for love and we've all "lived in our heads".   We've also all lied in some way.  Although I never lied about my gender or job, I did lie about liking football when I was 16 (and attempted to learn the game overnight with the help of the World Book Encyclopedia).  A few years later, after reading the ridiculously horrible dating guide "The Rules" (1995), I went on a few dates with a guy not as Amy, but as some brainless, agreeable, perky girl who didn't have an opinion of her own.  The two nut jobs who authored that dreadful book just published another gem where they encourage female readers not to respond to a guy's text for 4 hours.  Ain't nobody got time for that.

My husband and I met in-person through mutual friends.  So did Amber Frey and Scott Peterson.  Taking that into consideration, I caution single friends who date, regardless of whether they meet someone through friends or on-line, to proceed with caution, keep their wits about them and gently ask questions.  It's also important to keep our feelings in constant check (feelings change and may not be sane) and keep track of the answers and information given you by a date.  Matthew 10:16 - Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.  The word shrewd means "marked by clever discerning awareness and hardheaded common sense".  I like that, especially in this context. 

I am very fortunate to have a mom who instilled dating and marriage advice in me from the time I was a kid (I'm grateful my church wasn't afraid to dive into the topic either).  We all need someone in our lives, an honest friend or family member, who we can confide in.  Someone who isn't afraid to lovingly call out our nonsense and help set us straight.  Someone who gives the right advice and looks out for our best interests. A good candidate should be in a successful marriage, a little or a lot older, wise and extremely trustworthy.  You need to know your secrets are safe with the mentor you choose.  A good mentor maintains good, healthy friendships with other people, they're respected and loved  and they would never push you to lie, scheme or make up drama to get information or attention from a potential mate.

Let me stop here for a second since this now reads as a self-help column.  Some of you may find my notes refreshing while others might call me severely paranoid.  Either way, I hope it'll get us talking.  For those of us who have been married 10, 20, 30 or more years, the interwebs needs WISE dating advice.  Feel free to leave yours in the comments section. 

And we continue...

 

 

• You want God's best for you?  Trust me - yes you do.  God's best is better than anything you could come up with on your own.  First, pray. Ask God for His perfect will in your life.  Ask Him for dating wisdom, for Him to protect your heart, to keep your feelings in check and to lead you to the right relationship He wants you to have, in His time.  If God wants you to be married, He's going to bring someone to you that will knock you off your feet.  Doesn't mean that mate won't leave their dirty socks on the floor - that's another blog for another day.
• Ask God to help you get you in order.  Here's where that mentor is going to come in handy - by honestly helping you evaluate where you are and encouraging you to be who God made you to be.  Do you love yourself?  Do you have unresolved anger issues?  Trust issues?  Baggage you cling to but need to let go?  Do you know who you are and what you're looking for?  Have you in the past limited your dating options by putting more stock in a person's body type than their character?  Have you always gravitated towards a certain personality in a prospective mate that in the end is simply incompatible with your temperament? 
• OK, so you've prayed, evaluated your life and believe you're ready to meet people.  Let a few trusted friends and family members know you're looking to date.  The people closest to you, who genuinely love you, are often the best at arranging dates.  My parents met through my Dad's cousin, who happened to be a dear friend and co-worker of my Mom, who didn't like who either of who they dated in the past.  My parents just celebrated 40 years of wedded bliss (and they really still like and love each other).

• If you're old enough to remember a pre-haircut James Hetfield and you've engaged in on-line conversations with a romantic interest you've never met for 2 years and you're satisfied with that, who am I to tell you otherwise?  If however you want a face-to-face relationship, stop making excuses why you've never met, cut ties and move on.  You deserve more than that.

• It used to be said if someone only gave you their cell number and not their home number, that was a red flag.  Why?  Because if someone was afraid to give you their home number, chances are they didn't want you to get to know their spouse (slime ball).  Many people now however only use their cell phone so the old guidance doesn't necessarily apply.  These days I think it's safe to say if the person you're communicating with on-line never speaks with you on the phone or via Skype or after their regular business hours, that's a red flag.  If they can only speak with you between 8AM and 5PM, unless they work some crazy shift, find someone else.
• Meet your date for your first few dates and always let people close to you know your itinerary and who you're with.  You don't know this person very well.  Who said they have a right to know your address, especially if you live alone? 
• Go on dates at a decent hour where there are plenty of other witnesses people around.  Ever hear of a 7PM restaurant bar brawl?  Never happened.  I've said it for years - Only bad things happen after midnight.
• So you've been on one or two dates with a person and things seem to be going well.  That's great!  It's still too soon to decide if you want to take his last name or hyphenate your maiden and married names.  Live in reality, not in your head.  Now's the time to take note of what you like about the person and what you don't like about the person.  Check it over with your mentor.  It's hard but try not to get ahead of yourself.
• So now you have a date's name, a phone number and maybe an e-mail address.  Have you googled that information? 
• Are they a registered sex offender?
• National - http://www.nsopw.gov
• NY - http://www.criminaljustice.ny.gov/nsor
• Are they currently on parole?  http://nysdoccslookup.doccs.ny.gov/
• Did they ever do time in a Federal Pen? http://www.bop.gov/iloc2/LocateInmate.jsp
• This doesn't cover everything, but it will get you thinking.  Although the top two only cover NY, message me and we'll find the relevant links for your State and County.

I think we're going to end here for the night.  I have so much more to say about dating...and marriage. 

To be continued...

* With the exception of Catfish and most MTV True Life documentaries, I have no use for the rest of MTV's programming and do not advocate its viewing.  End of necessary note from a Church HS youth leader on sick leave.