Getting to Know You

Let's continue our discussion about dating?  Yes, let's!

 

I preface this blog entry by saying (1) I need a personal time out from the seemingly constant cancer talk in my day to day life and (2) I wouldn't ask anyone to do or say something I already haven't, before I married my Sweet Babboo. 

 

Thank you for continuing to indulge me as I write about this topic.

 

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"Just Friends" (2005)
Featuring Ryan Reynolds and the brilliant Julie Hagerty

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It's Just a Date

Getting to know someone on a date can be great fun if you keep it all in perspective.  A date is not an invitation to be exclusive and it's certainly not a marriage proposal.   Be yourself, enjoy the conversation and put the brakes on letting your imaginary future with this person get the best of you.  

My first date with Lou took place a couple of weeks after we were introduced.  We agreed to meet for coffee and ended up sitting at an outdoor table, talking for hours.  For us, it was perfect - casual and laid back. 

Ladies, my sisters, a side note:  Please dress with dignity for your date.  Dress as the mature woman you are.  You are more than your flesh.  No man respects a woman who looks like a cheap tramp. 


Politics and Religion

I'm going to buck the system.  Instead of adhering to the old advice that you don't talk politics and religion with a date, I say you do.    Life is too short to waste your time trying to force a new relationship to work when it's not meant to be.  So much of what makes us who we are is what we believe.  For me personally, no matter how far from God I was when I met Lou, I knew I wanted someone who shared my faith.  I also wanted someone who was not only aware of the world around them, but proactive in being part of the solution.   

Couples won't always see eye to eye on everything, but you'll want to know if you share ideas and beliefs in common.  You'll also want to see how your date handles a difference of opinion - Do they dismiss your ideas without considering your perspective?  Or do they consider your thoughts and rationally share theirs in an effort to come to an understanding?   


Perils of Pinterest and Facebook

Worst relationship advice meme ever

Pinterest is open for all the world to see.  A board of DIY projects and recipes are pretty benign for a potential date to find.  I interpret them to mean "I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty and try something new".  I like that. 

The board you named "My Future Wedding" - the one where you've pinned pictures of tuxedos or dresses, entrees you would like served at your reception and $$$ engagement rings $$$ you've eyed?  To quote Walt, the utility company engineer down at Nakatomi Plaza in the epic flick "Die Hard" (1988) "SHUT IT DOWN.  SHUT IT DOWN NOW".  That's what scrapbooking and private journals are for.

Do you know if your Facebook photos, comments, friends list, etc., are open to the public?  What do your comments, posts and photos say about you if a date were to look you up?  Why not wait a while before "friending" a date or sharing your Facebook page with someone you don't know very well?  Maybe it's time to reconsider your security settings for a bit.

Kids

If you have them, let your date know.  If you fail to mention you have one or more children, your date's going to wonder what else you're hiding.  Please note, it doesn't mean you introduce your child to your date.  Every family situation is different, but the emotional and physical safety of your kid is of vital importance.  Introductions can wait.

Resisting the Urge to Discuss Past Relationships

If you want to talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend at any time during your date(s), excuse yourself, go to the restroom and smack your own hand in between the bathroom stall door.  Whatever you do, keep your yapper closed.  No one wants to hear about your past romantic relationships. 

How We Were Raised

Sure you want to know about your date's ambitions, where they went to school, what they do for work and fun.  And you should discuss those topics.  Although fun to discuss, quality relationships aren't based on what concerts you've been to this year.  It's far more important to understand who this person is and where they come from. 

We were all raised in a dysfunctional family, by imperfect parents or guardians.  No one leaves a home without some baggage.  Some levels of dysfunction, however, may be far beyond our understanding and personal experiences.  What's abnormal behavior to one family is completely normal to another. 

Lou was unaware of our "family dining practices" the first time he came out with us as a family.  As the appetizers arrived, my father asked "Louie, what did you order?"  As my then boyfriend looked down at his plate and began to describe his dish, my father's fork flew in the air, landing on Lou's food.  As Lou looked on, confused and now speechless, Dad's fork scooped a little nibble and returned to Dad's mouth.  Lou was mortified.  What was/is normal behavior for our ravenous family, was nothing Lou was used to.  When Lou was growing up, you kept your fork on your own plate and ate what you ordered.  It's interesting to note, after 14 years with my family, Lou's fork now freely roams on plates alongside Dad's. That first dinner, however was indeed a little tense and awkward.

Identifying family differences between you and your date will help you gain some insight into how your date was raised and how their "normal" lines up with your "normal". 

Side note:  If the relationship progresses, you'll absolutely want to observe how your date interacts with those he or she cares about - What's their body language toward one another?  How do they greet each other?  How do they handle disagreements and what makes them laugh? 

I don't expect you to obtain answers from the first few dates to all of the following questions, but I do want you to put these questions to deep thought.  This is information you need to know if the relationship progresses, in my personal opinion:

• Who raised them and what is their current relationship?
• If they have siblings, what is their relationship like?
• How did the family spend their holidays and downtime? 
• Growing up, did their family usually eat together or did everyone eat on their own?
• What was the relationship like between their parents and grandparents?  Did the in-laws get along?
• Was a parent verbally/physically abusive?
• How were they disciplined if they got into trouble?
• How does their family resolve conflict?  Are they confrontational and resolve issues quickly or are they passive-aggressive and not comfortable being direct? 
• How did his/her family fare financially?  Were they always in debt? 
• Who balanced the household finances? 

Ah, yes.  Finances.  Now you may say "Amy, it's none of my business if the family lived on credit cards".  Here's the truth - Sex and finances are the top two issues married couples fight about.  As far as finances go, if your date is used to living in debt and you're not, that's going to be a big issue at some point in your relationship.  

I'm not talking about people who lose it all to unforeseen circumstances.  Too many people are intent on competing with the material possessions of others and either don't know how to live within their means or refuse to.  Why?  So people think you're somehow better because of your stuff?  Totally meaningless!   

Unless you're independently wealthy and can pay for homes in cash, I understand completely that credit is a necessary evil.  Sometimes we run into emergencies where we blow out a car tire or need a root canal and have no choice but to pay for something over a window of time.  It happens. 

But bad, even fair credit is damaging and takes time to get out of.  Bad credit can "red flag" an employer's background check.  It can interfere with getting approved for an apartment or a good rate, let alone an offer, on a car loan or mortgage.  The topic of finances and credit, maybe not on the first date, is mad important, son.

Important Extras

I briefly dated a guy who was a reformed heavy drinker.  It was obvious he wasn't very comfortable in his own skin without a drink.  I know this because he couldn't stop talking about needing a drink. I'm not a mental health professional and I'm not an alcohol abuse counselor.  While it's my responsibility as a human being to care about other human beings, I recommended he seek professional help for his possible dependency on alcohol and ended the relationship. 
 
Abusive people generally keep a lid on their abusive behavior until they know "they have you".  There is no excuse for physical and/or emotional abuse, Rihanna.  Get out.  Let me let you in on a secret.  He's not sorry and unless said offender undergoes intense therapy, it will happen again. 

 

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I'm not a matchmaker, marriage counselor, lawyer or therapist - just a chick whose lived a bit and wants to see people have successful relationships. 

James 1:5 - If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.