Dating

I required another blood transfusion a few weeks ago which meant 4 hours minimum of sitting around in a private room.  I have the attention span of a 5 yr old.  An iPad and a few old Readers Digests can only take me so far.  While my chemo nurse was setting up the first bag of New Orleans donated blood, I flipped through the television for something relevant to enjoy.  I stumbled on a marathon of the MTV series Catfish*.  The show documents the initial face-to-face meeting of two people who have been "dating" on-line for a significant period of time.  Although I heard of the show, this was my first time actually watching it.  I wasn't immediately sure what to make of it but for the next few hours, I tuned in. 

Here's the trailer:

What do we generally learn through the course of each show?  The folks you meet on-line may not be exactly who they say they are.  Is it that different from dating "in person"?  Well, yes and no but at the very least "in person" you'd know right away if the dame you're talking to really is a dame.

What surprised me most about the folks featured on this show is how relatable they are.  Hear me out.  At some point, we've all been naïve, we've all been desperate for love and we've all "lived in our heads".   We've also all lied in some way.  Although I never lied about my gender or job, I did lie about liking football when I was 16 (and attempted to learn the game overnight with the help of the World Book Encyclopedia).  A few years later, after reading the ridiculously horrible dating guide "The Rules" (1995), I went on a few dates with a guy not as Amy, but as some brainless, agreeable, perky girl who didn't have an opinion of her own.  The two nut jobs who authored that dreadful book just published another gem where they encourage female readers not to respond to a guy's text for 4 hours.  Ain't nobody got time for that.

My husband and I met in-person through mutual friends.  So did Amber Frey and Scott Peterson.  Taking that into consideration, I caution single friends who date, regardless of whether they meet someone through friends or on-line, to proceed with caution, keep their wits about them and gently ask questions.  It's also important to keep our feelings in constant check (feelings change and may not be sane) and keep track of the answers and information given you by a date.  Matthew 10:16 - Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.  The word shrewd means "marked by clever discerning awareness and hardheaded common sense".  I like that, especially in this context. 

I am very fortunate to have a mom who instilled dating and marriage advice in me from the time I was a kid (I'm grateful my church wasn't afraid to dive into the topic either).  We all need someone in our lives, an honest friend or family member, who we can confide in.  Someone who isn't afraid to lovingly call out our nonsense and help set us straight.  Someone who gives the right advice and looks out for our best interests. A good candidate should be in a successful marriage, a little or a lot older, wise and extremely trustworthy.  You need to know your secrets are safe with the mentor you choose.  A good mentor maintains good, healthy friendships with other people, they're respected and loved  and they would never push you to lie, scheme or make up drama to get information or attention from a potential mate.

Let me stop here for a second since this now reads as a self-help column.  Some of you may find my notes refreshing while others might call me severely paranoid.  Either way, I hope it'll get us talking.  For those of us who have been married 10, 20, 30 or more years, the interwebs needs WISE dating advice.  Feel free to leave yours in the comments section. 

And we continue...

 

 

• You want God's best for you?  Trust me - yes you do.  God's best is better than anything you could come up with on your own.  First, pray. Ask God for His perfect will in your life.  Ask Him for dating wisdom, for Him to protect your heart, to keep your feelings in check and to lead you to the right relationship He wants you to have, in His time.  If God wants you to be married, He's going to bring someone to you that will knock you off your feet.  Doesn't mean that mate won't leave their dirty socks on the floor - that's another blog for another day.
• Ask God to help you get you in order.  Here's where that mentor is going to come in handy - by honestly helping you evaluate where you are and encouraging you to be who God made you to be.  Do you love yourself?  Do you have unresolved anger issues?  Trust issues?  Baggage you cling to but need to let go?  Do you know who you are and what you're looking for?  Have you in the past limited your dating options by putting more stock in a person's body type than their character?  Have you always gravitated towards a certain personality in a prospective mate that in the end is simply incompatible with your temperament? 
• OK, so you've prayed, evaluated your life and believe you're ready to meet people.  Let a few trusted friends and family members know you're looking to date.  The people closest to you, who genuinely love you, are often the best at arranging dates.  My parents met through my Dad's cousin, who happened to be a dear friend and co-worker of my Mom, who didn't like who either of who they dated in the past.  My parents just celebrated 40 years of wedded bliss (and they really still like and love each other).

• If you're old enough to remember a pre-haircut James Hetfield and you've engaged in on-line conversations with a romantic interest you've never met for 2 years and you're satisfied with that, who am I to tell you otherwise?  If however you want a face-to-face relationship, stop making excuses why you've never met, cut ties and move on.  You deserve more than that.

• It used to be said if someone only gave you their cell number and not their home number, that was a red flag.  Why?  Because if someone was afraid to give you their home number, chances are they didn't want you to get to know their spouse (slime ball).  Many people now however only use their cell phone so the old guidance doesn't necessarily apply.  These days I think it's safe to say if the person you're communicating with on-line never speaks with you on the phone or via Skype or after their regular business hours, that's a red flag.  If they can only speak with you between 8AM and 5PM, unless they work some crazy shift, find someone else.
• Meet your date for your first few dates and always let people close to you know your itinerary and who you're with.  You don't know this person very well.  Who said they have a right to know your address, especially if you live alone? 
• Go on dates at a decent hour where there are plenty of other witnesses people around.  Ever hear of a 7PM restaurant bar brawl?  Never happened.  I've said it for years - Only bad things happen after midnight.
• So you've been on one or two dates with a person and things seem to be going well.  That's great!  It's still too soon to decide if you want to take his last name or hyphenate your maiden and married names.  Live in reality, not in your head.  Now's the time to take note of what you like about the person and what you don't like about the person.  Check it over with your mentor.  It's hard but try not to get ahead of yourself.
• So now you have a date's name, a phone number and maybe an e-mail address.  Have you googled that information? 
• Are they a registered sex offender?
• National - http://www.nsopw.gov
• NY - http://www.criminaljustice.ny.gov/nsor
• Are they currently on parole?  http://nysdoccslookup.doccs.ny.gov/
• Did they ever do time in a Federal Pen? http://www.bop.gov/iloc2/LocateInmate.jsp
• This doesn't cover everything, but it will get you thinking.  Although the top two only cover NY, message me and we'll find the relevant links for your State and County.

I think we're going to end here for the night.  I have so much more to say about dating...and marriage. 

To be continued...

* With the exception of Catfish and most MTV True Life documentaries, I have no use for the rest of MTV's programming and do not advocate its viewing.  End of necessary note from a Church HS youth leader on sick leave.