It took me more than a few days to share my raw, bare feelings with God after being diagnosed with cancer last November. My Bible and the outstanding books "The Purpose Driven Life" and "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" were open at all times in my lap as I desperately searched for comfort and answers. It felt as though every truth, every reassurance I had known, was in a moment absent from my memory.
And the spiritual attacks. Oh the spiritual attacks seemed almost endless and overwhelming. 1 Peter 5:8 - Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. I'll take some time to cover my experience and victory concerning spiritual warfare in another entry.
My prayers were initially coated with a gallon of maple syrup and Sunday school catch phrases like "Well God I guess if You bring me to it, You'll see me through it". As I delved deeper into my Bible and book study, there was one truth that came to life, and it was so blatantly obvious, I couldn't believe it only became evident at that moment. Just about every major player in the Bible cried out to God in desperation. Not only did they cry out to Him, they were flat out open with their emotions and concerns. Why wasn't this obvious to me before? David cried out to God, and he had more than his share of bad days; Psalm 55:17 - Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. Martha, Lazarus' sister, looked Jesus in the face - in His face - following the death of her brother and said "if You were here my brother wouldn't have died" (John 11:21). If I know Martha like I think I know Martha, I don't think she said it tenderly either (for those who aren't familiar with the story, Martha's sister Mary also let Jesus know how she felt. In the end, 4 days after Lazarus' death, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead).
Even though He already knows it, God wants to hear us tell Him everything. Every raw, bitter, angry thought. Every crippling fear. 1 Peter 5:7 - Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
The song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North today sums up a majority of my thoughts at that time...
And it was at that moment, immediately after I cried out everything to God that was buried deep within my soul, that my pain was replaced with pure, perfect peace. Philippians 4:7 - And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
He truly gave me peace that passes all understanding - words cannot describe the sweet relief. And as I sat, feeling as though my mind and soul were being cleansed with grace and mercy and love, I was gently reminded of what I needed to do next...
Philippians 4:6 - Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 - Rejoice always,
And so I started to rejoice, and I started to praise Him. Did I say "Hey God, thanks for the cancer"? No. I just praised Him. I thanked Him for His promises, many in my personal favorite book of Romans. Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Through my own time in prayer, hymns and praise songs that He put on my heart, I just kept on praising. In praising Him, I've learned to trust Him in ways I never have - now, He has my everything.
I went through a similar spiritual struggle when I received my second diagnosis in October. This time, however, I was a little more diligent and recognized my need to start praising Him from the start. I'm a 36 year old woman who never had children; lost her fertility to cancer; just had to call off our search for a baby through adoption (after having just finished mounds of paperwork and our home study), spent 2012 fighting cancer, now requires twice daily Lovenox shots for blood clots and I have peace and joy in my heart from the time I get out of bed to the time I put my head down again to rest. It's nothing in my own strength.
I first heard the song "Awesome" by Pastor Charles Jenkins & Fellowship Chicago on XM's Praise channel almost immediately after my second diagnosis. "Worn" is a fine place to visit when we're in the pit, but we can't dwell there. We need to dwell in "Awesome".
Do I have moments of weeping? Do I have my moments of fear? You bet, I'm only human. In our trials, we need to remain vigilant to lay our burdens at the feet of the Lord and leave them there.
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