You'll Just Be a Little Sore...

The port was successfully, surgically implanted yesterday by an absolutely lovely medical team. It was painless and I remember mostly none of it.  Viva la Fentanyl!

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We arrived around 9:30am for a 10:30am appointment.  I introduced myself to registration, got my fancy white name bracelet and settled into the waiting room.  After sending a few texts, I began meditating on the hymn "Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus" for comfort. 

No matter the hospital lounge or waiting room, it takes little time for us to figure out which patient or patient companion was raised by gorillas.  With no regard for the personal space of others, these individuals fling their crap all over the place and bang their chests while making loud noises, believing others will think they're important. I have a hard time ignoring these people, who I allow to so easily distract me.

Yesterday's winner was a combination of bad cell phone ring tones and loud, crass, non-stop phone abuser.  Her inability to form a sentence without the use of four letter words cut through the entire waiting room like a hot knife through butter. 

I can appreciate making a quiet call to let loved ones know that a patient they care about is in recovery, and it was obvious she and her male companion were waiting for a friend.  Peaches, as I now lovingly refer to her, wasn't making concerned calls however.  Peaches was setting up her weekend plans with half of Brooklyn.  "I'm gonna go to Burger King and then I'll go to the store for a 5 finger discount." she boasted.  "I said a 5 finger discount.  WHAT?  NOOOO.  FIIIIVE. FINGER. DISCOUNT. Do you know what a 5 finger discount is?!" she cackled. 

Excellent.  Not only was Peaches obnoxious, she just announced to 50 strangers that she's a thief. 

I just wanted to ask her to please keep it down.  I wanted to tell her Jesus loved her while banging her head into a wall.  Lou commanded me, like he does the cats, to remain calm.  "Easy.  Eeeeeeasyyyy!".   My meditation time was messed with, my blood pressure was rising.  God forgive me for allowing this individual to fill me with rage and take my sight off of You.  Clearly I need some discipline in this area of my life.

Back to the port.  The radiologist told me I might feel "a little sore".  I love when surgeons use that incredibly vague and relative term.  "You can use regular Tylenol if you experience discomfort or if you have Percocet, take that".  OK.  So let me see if I understand your recommendation, Dr.  My pain management options are Tylenol, an OTC nugget of worthless chalk or Percocet, a cocktail of Tylenol and a highly addictive opiate that people sell on the street in back alleys.  Hey Doc.  I plan to roast marshmallows over a raging campfire.  Should I put my marshmallows on the end of a toothpick or a 3 foot tree branch? 

It's very tender, very sore and a lot inconvenient right now, but I know the benefits of having chemo administered through the port.  I did get to miss 3 Lovenox shots for it so that's a plus and Lou surprised me with a dark chocolate Dove bar from the gift shop (so much better than flowers).