God Bless My Own Stupidity

Romans 5:3-4 - Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

About a week or so after returning to work near the end of August, I was asked to travel about 3.5 hrs from home for several days to work on a project.  Having missed my work family terribly during my time out on disability, I jumped at the opportunity. 

It had only been several months since I had my hysterectomy (laparoscopic), and I should have reminded myself to take it easy.  I should have asked people to help me with my luggage, but I didn't.  I threw 80 lbs of luggage in and out of my car 4 times and dragged it twice across a huge, unforgiving, pothole laden parking lot.

At the same time, I was back to working out, desperate and committed to shedding the fat suit I'd only half heartedly tried to combat before.  I certainly wasn't training for a Tough Mudder, but I was "lady jogging" up a 7 incline on the treadmill at least 5 days a week.

Then the pain started.  The pain on my right side felt as though it was under an incision.  The pain started out small.

Another work trip, a 3 hr drive from home, was scheduled.  This time, I packed a little smarter and in smaller cases, and asked the hotel staff for help. 

The pain was still there, and now getting a little worse.  I had myself convinced this was the start of a small hernia.

I saw my internist, who had only just written a letter to our adoption agency to report I was healthy.  He disagreed with Dr. Lynch Sister, MD's personal hernia diagnosis.  Based on the information I gave him, he felt I was simply overdoing it, probably overstretched an abdominal muscle and just needed to chill.  No hernia.

The next day I saw my radiation oncologist for a follow up and asked him and his resident about my side.  I reviewed my activities and prior luggage stupidity.  "Are you training for a marathon?" they asked. "No Doc".   "Then take it easy, you're overdoing it.  You're doing great.  See you in April".  I thanked them for the letter they sent to or adoption agency on or behalf.

A few days later I found myself in Manhattan, lugging my laptop a total of 20 blocks during the day.  Total moron.

Within a few more days, the pain started to laugh at my Advil and hot compresses - I hit my limit.  I  called my gynecologist oncologist and spoke with her amazing nurse practitioner (NP). "Get in here today" she commanded.

Blood was drawn and I was sent for a CT scan.  By the end of the day, our NP came back out to see us in a small alcove by the elevators.  My husband, my ever patient care taker, whispered "It can't be that bad - she's seeing us by the elevator". 

My NP was beside herself.  Her eyes intensly scanned the piece of paper in her hands as she spoke.  "We didn't expect this.  This is not typical.  There may be evidence of cancer.  I have no reason to think you can't do chemo, maybe even hormones"  Everything became a blur.  I excused myself and stepped into the ladies room.  I needed a few minutes to "woman up" and suck in every tear, every blood curdling scream that was dying to come out. 

I don't know what my husband said.  I don't much remember what my NP said.  But I remember my immediate 3 thoughts:

1)  God, how did this happen so fast?

2)  Jesus wasn't cremated.  I don't want to be cremated.

3)  I don't know how to draw eyebrows.

"Can you come in tomorrow for a PET Scan?".  They know me - name the time and place and I'll be where ever you need me.

I had the PET Scan the next day.  More blood was drawn.  My gyn tumor markers were elevated and a biopsy confirmed cancer.  Because of Hurricane Sandy, we had to wait an additional week to rule out the possibility that it might be a "new" cancer.  It's not - it's a gynecological cancer and the cells are the same as the cells from the lining of my uterus when I had my hysterectomy.  The reproductive system is an open system and it only takes one rogue cell to bring on the drama.   

I'm not scheduled to see my radiation oncologist for another 6 months.  I was to start quarterly PaP smears this month, which would have shown NED (no evidence of disease) - the PET Scan didn't show evidence of cancer there.  The pain on my right side that brought me to the doctor in the first place?  Pretty much gone.  I don't know what the outcome of this situation will be, but God does.  I have the promise of glorious eternal life if I die because the Bible tells me if I believe in my heart and confess with my mouth that Jesus is Lord, I'm saved and I love my Savior (I believe in the Triune God [Trinity] - one God, three distinct persons - the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit).  For now, God made sure my buns got to the doctor's office and this hot mess was discovered.

So far, two major NY hospitals have recommended chemo.  I'm eager to see a specialist tomorrow at Sloan Kettering for their opinion.  Another day, another waiting room. I'm ready.